Recognizing the problems
Was it too hard and too negative in the first part? Did you feel sad and pity for the man in pains? Well...don't bother to do that because this second part will be even harder...
I have recognized my problems already since March 2009. The real acknowlegdement came in picture at November 2010. Even if I was able to recognize the problems, I wasn't ready to deal with them. I just continued my long walk into the darkness - I didn't ever mind that I would end up with up such situation like at the moment. I just received several massages from people close to me but couldn't help myself with them.
No en näköjään ole yrittänyt tarpeeksi, kun tilanne on tämä. Mutta voiko yrittämisen puutetta syyttää, kun kuitenkin koen sitä aika tarmolla tehneeni? Toisilla on tätä tarmoa enemmän, tai voi sen nähdä niinkin että yritystystä löytyy toisissa elämäntilanteissa ja toisissa ei. Mulla yrittämistä on riittänyt riittävän pitkään ja on aika kokeilla muita lähestymistapoja ongelmiin.
One of my healing-trips, 2008 with Minna
I got lots of messages after being "open" in newspapers and many of them had the same contents: "healing starts from recognizing and admitting the problems". It's true - of course - but I have to tell you dear readers that I knew this already back in 2009. Making it public was pretty harsh movement concerning my mental health; but I I had to do it because of the external pain. My mental balance of account was back then already reaching minus-marked values. And at the moment I am still quite cynical if it helps anybody else at all. At the moment I can't tell whether my "opening" was a:
a) shooting to my own foot
b) stabilizing the situation and growing of honesty
c) truly a good thing for my healing
Maybe little bit of them all? But let's return to recognizing. It's hard job for a self-critical - sorry, for a guy who hates himself. Every time you'll find some bad movement in your history or every-day life, you are always trying to shoot it down right away. After a continous and hard shooting one idea may survive, but not all the good ones. If some turnes out to be a really good one, then you may even dare to write it done here on the webpage...
I therefore confess that I can't relax properly at all. I don't know the reason for that, but it may come from genetics or from the hard nature of sports. My (too negative) thougths just keep on circlering around and I can't do anything to them. When I was a younsgter, I already took hard additude towards mistakes and other hard things. The reason for them can been seen always just by looking at the mirror. It worked for a while and produced some big wins. When I was young, I was furious, but when I have got older, I have noticed that I have to pay it all back. I just copied all the things I learned from the sports into every-day life, which I couldn't handle so well. Not even close.
I argue that I started to feel useless day by day, year by year and suddenly I was in a situation where even the slightest failures were too much. And when you have once did excellent, good is nothing anymore. I think in 2004 life started to slip from my hands and I had some big changes in my life: i.e we moved together with Minna for the first time and I started "to grow back into child". Pretty harsh statement, but let me clarify a bit. I never had puberty time once it shouldn't be. Instead of that I was precocious man, living the weeks with my father. Already at the 15 year's age I was coaching one guy and organizing all kinds of sports related stuff. Too early, too quickly. And after finishing the school in Vihanti I was already to go for orienteering high-school in Hankasalmi (300km and 6h away). But there I learned how to orienteer.
Why did I not have a puberty and why I started to "grow back as a child" at the age of 25, I wouldn't know. On the other hand I started to lots of studies, but once my 1,7cm spondylolisthesis was diagnosied, both body and mind were demolished. I wasn't anymore invulnerable. I got broken. And now I have to deal with this shit once again.
In the next part we'll speculate the reasons behind my illnesses. It will be a natural continuation of this 2nd part and same themes will be under hard pressure...