Situation report from the deep water diver
I am really living the most troubled times of my life, but that's not a wonder. I am alone, without direction and the newspapers have written all kinds of stuff. Because of my anxiety and depression I haven't read the news much, but one thing I know: the newspapers always tell the truth...Let's take one Finnish magazine for example: they wrote that I was missing for two weeks (instead of two days) during the summer. It's pretty odd that a reporter makes a mistake like that - two days changes into two weeks. But, yeah, even the best ones make mistakes. I can't even dare to think what else has been written in that nice magazine...
Well, it's totally useless to try to correct incorrect news - you just get your hands even more dirtier. Instead of that, I'll launch a new series here at my homepage. The leading theme will be alternative sports psychology, but I don't know if I am going to write a lot about sports. The main focus will be in my problems, dealing with them and solving them. This magazine-story was just an example how the external pressure slows down the healing and dealing with difficult things. Luckily I got & get also a lot of positive feedback. It doesn't change the thoughts inside my head, but on the other hand it doesn't cause more pain for the mind.
My biggest problem at the moment is that my thoughts circle all the time in my head. This continues all along the day and unfortunately also during the nights, when I should be sleeping. I just ask from myself: Why Pasi, WHY!? In other words: I am in a vicious circle and can't get out. Being in the process of losing someone you deeply love, recognizing my own past and being aware of the insecurity about all in the future; these three main affairs are having their passionate and sad party in my head. The good thing here is that I have been practising this shit pretty much already :-). In addition, my emotions and feelings change all the time MADLY, although the good feelings are completely missing because I am so deeply screwed still...It's not fun to cure mental wounds with medication, but it's actually the only choice to avoid becoming really insane :-).
This has been going on for a long time, much longer than the idea you get from by reading the Finnish newspapers, for example. Or maybe Tommi Roimela's story in Keskisuomalainen had it all right - 2004 was the year when things started to slip from my hands (check photo...). When you start to reach the age of 25, the easygoing life of a youngster often turns into anxiety of adulthood. That's exactly what happened to me and after that I have never reached even a fair situation with my forever-going griefing. In the long haul it transforms your brains into minced meat and when you add to boiling some pieces of your ripped heart the pretty damn unpalatable soup is ready! I will write more about my history in the next part of the series.
But you'll always find some good things as well. I have now - after some infernal training - finished my studies as a "deep water diver" and now I am Master of "Deep Water Diving" (in Finland kids have these swimming schools during the summer where you can get a diploma of "Master of Swimming"...). However, that's not my calling, instead of that I am looking for new challenges. I am planning to learn backstroke. You get more oxygen in that discipline (compare to interview at 2001 WOC-short, time 26:26). Ultimately it's important you float all the time, instead of diving into the darkness. It may be that during the first month I also need to use some primitive butterfly strokes to go on...
